Why Intimacy & Sex? Part II - The Whore... and what I love about her.
Joyce was the "whore" that ran around with my grandpa. 30 years his junior, for the better part of the final 10 years of my grandma Lillian's life, taking care of her as she died, while they were still married, and then marrying him within a year after Lilian's death.
Did you catch that whirlwind?
They had been married 5 years by the time I was born. I never thought to question why I didn't call her grandma. That just wasn't what we did. So she was my "Joyce"...
... which in my world meant, the best grandma ever! The one who says yes to my every whim when everyone else says no! The one who cherishes and adores me most! The one who takes pictures of me with her Polaroid camera every single day, and then has a "Melisa" gallery wall with about 100 photos of just me!
So who was she? The whore? Or the best Grandma ever?
She was neither. And she was both.
I BELIEVE SHE WAS A WOMAN WHO KNEW THAT EXPERIENCING LOVE, BELONGING, AND PROTECTION WAS HER BIRTHRIGHT AND SHE WAS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO CLAIM THEM.
You see, she was raised by a single mother, tossed from one lousy relationship to another. I have seen too many times that when mom has several lousy boyfriends, the helpless daughters always suffer.
She wouldn't talk about her childhood much. Tiny threads, tiny bits, and pieces.
I remember sitting with her in the grass one day and she taught me how to pull the blade of grass out just-so, revealing the white flesh that you could eat. We would do this together for fun, and I would show the 'funny trick' to my friends as I got older.
Only to put pieces together in my adulthood that she only knew that trick because many times that was all she had to eat. She and her mom were often homeless living in cornfields or anywhere they could find shelter and temporary refuge from the bad boyfriends.
By the time she met my grandpa, I honestly doubt she could count how many sexual partners she had, let alone how many bad men had violated her at every age and stage of life. A million lovers with no one to call her own. Never felt love and belonging… No real training, education, or skills to speak of. A lot of heart, a lot of interests, but no opportunity. When my grandpa met her, she was a card dealer at the casino. My 80-yr-old aunts called her a "lisbin"... they were sure she slept with her female friends too, or anything that she could for that matter.
MAYBE SHE FELT LIKE THE ONLY GOOD THING SHE HAD TO OFFER WAS HER SEX. IS THAT THE DEFINITION OF A WHORE?
She was marked the worst creature to crawl the earth when she moved in with and ultimately married my grandpa. She was treated that way too. Even by my grandpa at times, whose shame and Christian morals of his upbringing always had him second-guessing his decision.
IT WAS EASY FOR EVERYONE AROUND TO CAST JUDGMENT ON HER. IT WAS EASY FOR EVERYONE TO SEE THE DAMAGE SHE HAD CAUSED. IT IS EASY FOR SOCIETY TO TURN THEIR BACK ON A WHORE.
But maybe she was just as trapped as my grandma Lillian, but in different ways... I mean, who says yes to moving in and being the hospice nurse to your one-true-love's WIFE which he refuses to divorce? Did anyone ever ask her how that must have felt?
When they married she was as happy as she had ever been in her life! She lost weight, she changed her hair. She had never had money to fix her teeth which apparently were rotting out of her head, and so she got dentures.
She had a home, security, and a man who cherished her. And then I came along, and for a long time, grandpa and I were her whole world.
I GAVE HER A NEW PURPOSE AND MEANING TO HER LIFE. A GRANDDAUGHTER WHO WOULDN'T JUDGE HER FOR HER PAST.
When he died, she quickly withered away and died, despite their 30-year age gap. In fact, she moved into an elderly home and began sleeping with everyone there, until she forgot her own name.. sex was all she knew.
I will never forget visiting her for the last time before she died. A baby doll slung over her shoulder. You couldn't understand anything she said, but periodically she would reach up and pat the baby's back saying, "Ssshh it's okay Melisa, it's okay Melisa."
SO WHO WAS SHE? THE WHORE? OR THE BEST GRANDMA EVER?
SHE WAS NEITHER. AND SHE WAS BOTH.
Joyce gave me a gift. Not only could I love and accept all parts of her, but I could learn from her.
So, Why heal intimacy and Sexuality for myself and women all over the world? For Joyce, who...
She never knew her true worth beyond her sexuality...so I could see that clearly and claim my worth unattached to anything I can or can't "do".
She really knew her sexuality and wasn't afraid of it... So I can too.
She was persecuted for her entire life, rather than receiving understanding... I doubt anyone on the planet but me (and now you) truly understood why she was the way she was... so I could deeply understand women of all walks of life...
Before she even had a choice, she was raped and abused and labeled a whore, never given another chance to show that there was anything more to her, so she used that identity to get what she wanted and deserved (love and family)... so that I can free myself from the labels people would try to box me into... and use my circumstances to get what I want too.
You see... Every one of us has a part of us that is a "whore." The part that wants endless pleasure, the part that knows how to get what she wants, the part that is sexual and sensual in nature. When we attempt to judge and criticize the whore that we see in other women, all we are really doing is shutting down that part of ourselves.
Society should have given her a chance at being something more than the whore. But it never did.
And if society was going to simply label her a whore, it should have then made a space for her. That even with that label, she was worthy and deserved love and belonging and happiness. But it didn't. So she took what she knew was hers anyway.
I think somewhere deep down, she knew that no matter how many people hated her, and no matter what the world said, she was more than what they said.
"If you want more connection in your marriage, it starts with you. Melisa can teach you how to get there. It is an individual, yet couple’s journey that is so powerful and empowering."
-Garcias-
ARE YOU READY TO TAKE DOWN YOUR WALLS, AND BE FREE TO EXPERIENCE TRUE CONNECTION?
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"...as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
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