I Wanted Out

Updated: Jan 8

From "I just want out..." to "this is beyond anything I ever imagined."

When I was at my absolute lowest... I was honestly thinking... I want out. I just want out. It hurts so bad, I cannot do this anymore. I would threaten to leave. I would beg him to change. I would scream and sob and rip my own hair out because I felt so stuck, and so miserable in my marriage. A day later, we aren't speaking... two days later... something small breaks the ice... and we sweep the WHOLE thing under the rug... and the resentment builds one speck at a time... Society tells us to just be a happy family. They tell us that just to be married, with jobs and kids, is bliss. The picture we are painted is one where our fights are all lighthearted and we can quickly work through disagreements and have amazing sex afterwards and life moves on. Right? Wrong! You are not the only one out there feeling like your relationship is completely crushing you. As women we think we are supposed to keep it all together, keep the family together, keep our children and our man happy. Be it all. Do it all. And never let anyone see you sweat. Ugh. But one day, I realized I did not have to keep living like this. I realized that my happiness was NOT dependent on what my husband did or didnt do. And I didn't want to live like this anymore.

And so I changed.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?! IT WAS ME!! I changed...

not for him. not for my kids. not for society. I changed for myself. As a gift to myself. And found out that I could fall in love with me, and with my husband, in a COMPLETELY new way. This is Intimacy as a way of being.

I created a new relationship by creating a new way of being.

One where I felt deeply heard and accepted and understood. One where I could share every secret. One where I could be vulnerable through tears, OR vulnerable through deep pleasure, and be fully admired and adored in that space. Can you picture this?

In a year from now... isn't this what you want to feel like? What you want your marriage to look like? And if I were reading this, back then... I would be throwing up all my skeptical walls... SURE, but it can't work for me... Plus, what if it doesn't? What if I put myself out there and let myself hope and then, everything still sucks? Take a deep breath. I hear you sister. You are not alone. And I am here to hold your heart every step of the way until you get to the point that you are the sacred holder of your own heart and you are sharing it with the whole world. It IS possible.

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