Meet Melisa, Your Intimacy Coach
My Why: I am a window for hope and change. My life and the lives of my clients are a testament to the possibility of deep fulfilling joy, no matter what our circumstances. I am passionate about helping women to transform their overwhelm, their resentment and their disconnected marriages and relationships. I help them to create lives and marriages they love, starting first with a relationship with themselves...
"And every day, the world will drag you by the hand yelling, 'This is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this, and this!' And each day it is up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what is important." - Iain Thomas
Whether working with intimate groups, speaking on stage, or in one-on-one setting, elevating women to rise to the divine feminine beings that they are, so that their cup, full and running over, cannot help but pour over into every other area of their lives.
The Answers are Within You
I just help you to rediscover and reconnect with your own innate wisdom.
12 yrs. old. I could tell you horror stories. Violence, abuse, adultery, betrayal trauma, But I will fast forward to the moment when daddy lay on the hospice bed, barely breathing… and I watched him take his last breath. In just 3 short years I lost my mom to drugs, lost my dad to another woman in an affair, lost my parents as a unit, we moved around, Daddy and I finally started to get settled in, and then daddy got cancer and died. So, I lost all my friends, my home, which I had to help clean out and sell,
I LOST everything.
I will never forget the night before he died. I got down on my bedroom floor, and at the urging of my great aunt betty, I said a long sincere prayer, out loud to my heavenly father, about my daddy. Down on my knees, I was sobbing… saying out loud… "God, please don’t take my daddy! You can’t take him! Take me instead. Please take me instead.” But he died, and to my total confusion, I was shipped off to live with my aunt and uncle where nothing was familiar. And where speaking of the deep dark thoughts that all these events had me thinking and feeling, was not permitted.
I was sure something was wrong with me. I was angry, confused, abandoned and depressed on the inside. But trying SOOO hard to prove I was enough, that I was good, on the outside. My uncle would give me a pep talk from time to time. You knew better than to argue with anything he said, just nod your head in agreement... then he would slap me on the back and say, "good man!" Okay, so I used my trials to become a "good man!"
Here I am, 20 years old, I went into that beautiful temple up on the hill in north west reno single, proud, it felt like crossing a finish line. Finally, I arrived. The pinnacle of perfection, in my beautiful white wedding gown. Now, I would marry the man of my dreams and we would live happily ever after. Amazing. Perfect.
I remember laying down gazing at the stars with him on the windshield on his Chevy Tahoe, and him leaning over and telling me he would do anything for me, even go to the moon for me.
Life went SOOO fast after that, we had our first three children in our first 5 years of marriage. And let me tell you, I was intense. I believed part of my job or role as a wife and mother was to perfect those around me. No room for error. No room for sin. No room for imperfection. if they weren't perfect then I wasn't either, so there was zero tolerance… I stood tall on my tower… and inside I felt anger and depression. It seemed like my husband didn't care at all about what I wanted, or about cherishing our little family, or cherishing me. I thought I was his crown, his most prized possession?!! What about going to the moon or me? I couldn't get him to TALK about anything. He would clam up, shut down, and say whatever he needed to get me off his back. I was LOGICAL, I was RATIONAL, I was actively going to SOLVE any problem that came my way. When we had sex, I said yes out of duty. "That’s what a perfect wife does," I thought, but inside I felt hollow, like saying yes without true consent was somehow killing me on the inside. We were together all the time, but sometimes I felt I didn’t really even know him. I ignored all the signs that I saw in front of me. Not because I didn't want to believe anything ill of him (although that sounds lovely and noble…) no, I didn't want to see because I didn't want to admit that we weren't perfect. Perfect meant survival. Perfect meant success. Anything less than that meant me, all alone again, terrified and helpless… begging god for a miracle… powerless.
That’s when CJ came to me and shared with me that he had an addiction to pornography. One that started when he was 9. One that he had kept from me, very carefully, our whole 5 years of marriage. I Was pregnant with our third. He swore to me that he would never lie to me again. It took me 8 months of letting that awareness settle in before I really faced it. Before what I thought was such a sure foundation, came tumbling to the ground. Our little baby girl was 2 months old and I discovered a new lie, a big one, a recent one. And with all trembling, I asked my husband to move out… on his birthday. October 4th, 2013. He said, "okay I will start to look for a place." And I said,
"no, tonight. You need to go tonight."
That conversation was the most painful conversation I have ever had in my life.
I spent the next 6 months on my bathroom floor crying. Back on my knees again. This time, taking my own scissors to my hair and chopping it ALL off. Praying again to God, "why? Please save my marriage! Please God show me the way. Help me keep my kids alive. Help me figure out my life. "
"What. do. I. do. now?"
That's when things really began to shift for me. And not in a hurry. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of the betrayal trauma I experienced from my husband’s lies and deceit. It was a long slow process of unraveling…. But in all that darkness… what some might call the dark night of the soul, where it felt like God said, finally you are like putty in my hands. Now I can show you who you REALLY are. I opened my heart in ways I didn't know was possible. I found gems inside of myself, I found that I was someone worth fighting for. And that the most important person that I needed support from, was myself.
I surrender it all. I let go. I found out slowly that I could become whole. SOOO different from perfect. WHAT IS WHOLENESS? human, accepting my light and my shadow, accepting my pains and my joys. Accepting my weirdness and weaknesses. Really seeing myself as God sees me. A spiritual being, having and human experience. A brokenhearted mess, with a contrite spirit. Someone who feels, and loves, and cries, and heals. This is who we are. And at the pinnacle of all that I discovered about myself, was that I am a divine feminine being. That I didn't need to try to be a "good man". That there is strength in my femininity. My stillness. My tenderness.
But what about SURVIVAL? I place my hand on my heart… and I say, "sweet Melisa, you are fierce, and brave and strong and capable. And you got us to this point. Because of you we SURVIVED. But that no longer serves us anymore." Because we aren't HERE to just survive!! We are here to experience the truth of who we really are. To experience intimacy in our marriages, yes, but with our children with our god, with our earth, with every second of our life.
It’s this idea that all the pieces of us, experiences, thoughts, joys, talents, all of you and me, is powerful. Just your very existence here on the earth is powerful. And we, you and I, we are powerful creators of our lives. I AM A POWERFUL CREATOR. My desires matter. My heart, what I deeply value, it matters. The little girl within me, is the same one who put on war paint all those years ago in her brokenness… but she is still inside of me, alive and thriving. And tapping into her, even if it hurts, is a beautiful doorway into becoming whole and creating what we want. Our feelings, those raw emotions that we all experience, they are our teachers… they guide us to what we deeply value and most desire.
As I look back at my marriage, I feel compassion for perfection-Melisa. She was doing the best she knew how.
Annand, I have found a new way, a better way… that allows people to into-me-see. Into my heart. And allows me to deeply see into other’s hearts and care for them at a soul level. You see, I could not have the intimacy I wanted with my husband, because I could not allow him to truly see into me. No one was allowed to do that. Yes, he had a secret addiction. No, I could not overcome that for him. But I DEFINITELY contributed to his unhappiness in our marriage. And what's more, all my walls, HUGELY contributed to my OWN unhappiness in my marriage. Not just in my marriage… but as I look back, I wasn’t able to experience intimacy in ANY of my relationships. I always believed that people didn’t really like me. ALL my relationships were strained because of my beliefs about myself and my unwillingness to just be vulnerable and be seen. Be feminine. Be tender. Have weaknesses.
Give yourself permission to just be YOU, because that you, inside of all those walls, she is perfect.
She is the one those children need as their mother.
She is the one that husband fell deeply in love with.
She is the one that has God-given, divine talents, desires, values, feelings, needs. She IS a child of God, and so her needs are great. (referencing a hymn).
It’s you. It’s the you that doesn’t like to wash her face at night. That likes to play at the beach and collect seashells. It’s the you, that worries if people will really like her at the party. It’s the you that stays up at night sick over you children and if you’re doing enough for them. You are enough. So, let yourself see into you. Let him see into you. Let the world see into you. Will there be people out there who hurt you in your vulnerability? Yes, there will. But there will be MORE, who will build you up. Who will love you for who you are.